Thursday, March 14, 2013

Missing Kids We've Never Met

I spend oodles of time obsessing thinking about our Marin and the Nellsta (for those outside of Massachusetts feel free to insert an "r" at the end).   It helps keep me motivated when I am up late printing bidding sheets for our silent auction or rescheduling our finger printing appointment again - it reminds me of why we are doing this.

But at the same time it hurts.  They are over there and have been their whole lives.  I am over here with love and family.  I have enough stuff to entertain me and people to hug when I'm sad.  And then I think (this is the danger) -could they use a mom or a dad or a big brother to help them out right now? Is anyone helping Nellie feel safe right now? 

Marin means "from the sea", which
must be why he wears the sailor suit
So at the same time that I think of Nellie and Marin to keep myself motivated, I make sure not to think too too much about them. Because whether or not they are here or whether or not I have paperwork to prove it, they are my kids. And they are far far away from me on the other side of the planet.  

A Younger Nellie

It makes me anxious to have to stay here in Massachusetts working on fundraising and filling out paperwork when I'd rather be there spending time with them reading books or going sledding.  Throwing myself into this work is necessary to get them home to us, but it's also a much needed distraction from thinking about them too much.

The work makes me feel like I'm doing something, while thinking about them makes me feel helpless.  If Nellie could use the hand of her father on her back to let her know it is safe, that it's okay, I can't be there to do that.  If Marin could use a hug to let him know that he is loved and he is enough as he is, I can't be there to do that.  

So I'm keeping busy and distracted, busy and distracted, and trying to speed this whole process up.  When we started down this road, a big motivation for me was that from the moment that I saw her, I felt that Nellie  was our child.  When I saw Marin the same thing happened.  

And I know, I know. When we decided to do this everyone and his brother told us that it was intense.  That it's an emotional roller coaster.  And I didn't go into this with my eyes shut.  But I honestly never thought that I could so intensely miss children that I've never met.

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